Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
just tell him i said nine months
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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