watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Randomize