If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
