Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
