plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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