I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
