Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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