shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Randomize
