Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
