it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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