and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
