Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
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