I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
