Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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