Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
