Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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