I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Randomize
