I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
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