She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
