I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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