ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
