I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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