When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
