if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Randomize