So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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