could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
