You're a womanizer and a bitch.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
