New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
