its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Randomize
