I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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