True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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