Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I want her autograph on my taint
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
