Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
