wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
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