So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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