if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize