New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
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