Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Come see our sink grown plant.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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