omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
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