Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Randomize
