He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
