I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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