Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
