Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
