Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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