Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Who died my cat blue again?
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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