"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
