Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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