bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
