just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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