How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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